After my vacation, my brother stayed with me for an extra day and a half. We don’t often get to spend a lot of quality time together where we are able to really talk without other people around. I can’t express how much I loved having him so close. We are friends, I am happy to say, and when we talk, I feel a closeness and understanding that I imagine only comes from sharing a mother. We don’t just talk, we, like, really talk, you know? We share a strong desire to cut through the b.s. and get to the heart of the matter. He is better at this than I am.

I feel that after this kind of conversation or series of conversations with my big brother, I am clearer and I can see life in a not-so-overwhelming-and-scary-way. I am cherishing the recent frequency of our visits so much.

One thing I finally admitted today is that I often hesitate to write my most honest expression here for fear that it will dissuade people reading and/or commenting, but I’ve decided that if I just allow myself to be myself, that my writing will improve and I won’t feel like I’m hiding in the realm of the acceptable.

In our most recent heart-to-heart, my brother offered up a suggestion that I was already coming to realize as important. He asked whether a separation of sorts was in order so that my stress may be more manageable. This is not the word he used, but this is the word I am using here in order to keep this idea safe. I have become enmeshed in something in a way that I do not want and while I am not prepared to cut the cord entirely, I agree that I must separate myself as best I can while remaining committed and engaged when necessary. I know myself well enough that I will have to constantly determine when it is necessary and when it is most certainly not. I believe that with practice, diligence and a focus on re-igniting other loves I will be able to function separately from that which I cannot throw away at this time.*

In order to help myself separate, I realized that I must fill my time with things that require attention, so this evening I have set some goals. Some of these goals with take a little sacrifice, but nothing a rejection of unnecessary materialism can’t make possible. (Damn – I just bought new pajamas and a new t-shirt – well, that was yesterday and today is now and tomorrow is a new day, so there).

My first goals, so I can’t deny that I set them, are as follows…

1) Go to yoga 3 times every week, being brave to try new teachers and styles (I heart Anusara, but I’d like to try Kundalini & Ashtanga).
2) Once I’ve established a regular yoga practice, go through teacher training.
3) Go on a Spanish Language Immersion study abroad program in Argentina or Spain or…
4) Start writing more, even if I think what comes out is stupid. (Some here and some in a, gulp, journal.) I am hoping this will help unlock what I know is currently stuck.

There we go – hold me to it. Good luck to me.

*just to clarify, I am in no way talking about my relationship with R. don’t worry, if you were worried.