Category Archives: journal

pregnancy: 31 weeks

journal, pregnancy

It’s been some time since I posted a real pregnancy update and I have to admit it’s because I haven’t really been up to having my photo taken very much because I haven’t been feeling very cute, to be honest. Since I work in the field of women’s body image empowerment, you’d think I’d be able to take care of my own insecurities, but alas, I haven’t found it to be easy. The physical challenges of pregnancy have not come as a surprise, however, being pregnant has been more challenging for me emotionally than I ever expected…

BUT, in the interest of honest sharing with those of you close enough to me to know about and read this blog, here it is, a belly photo at 31 weeks, with no make-up and wearing my glasses. I’m feeling very – tight in the belly – and I have begun the pregnant woman waddle, which makes me laugh. I’ve gained about 20 lbs. Baby K is still squirming a lot and his dancing has started to feel stronger as he grows. His little jabs often startle me and give me pause, which is fun. My stuffy sinuses continue to be stuffy and make for a persistent and super-attractive red spot under my nose from the frequent blowing. It’s hott.

Sleeping can be a production, with a regular pillow between my legs to ease hip soreness and my pregnancy wedge pillow supporting my belly. I was successful at making it through a couple of very anxiety-filled weeks a little while ago where I questioned all my choices about doctor, hospital, doula – everything. I finally came to understand that I was simply just scared and nervous about labor, delivery and the change of becoming a mother. There is a lot to process. I have since made peace with my decisions and begun to stare my fear of the unknown in the face and learn to accept what is out of my control. So, in essence, parenting lesson #1, right? {smile}

I have continued to teach my classes (with modifications, of course) and will be a couple of days away from 32 weeks when I teach my last class this Thursday. I am sad to step away from the classroom since the 6 hours I spend teaching each week might just be my favorite, even when I’m exhausted. But, my body is telling me it’s time to stop and so I’ll enjoy the free time to go to some more peaceful prenatal yoga.

I am very much looking forward to my maternity leave as I think much of my distraction and anxiety lately has been coming from the office side of my job, where it feels like there is some denial about my impending absence. Instead of transitioning things off of my plate, it seems I keep getting new (and big) things added to my plate. I am doing my best to remain positive and be a team player, but it doesn’t make sense to me and exhausts me fully. Every day around 4pm my pregnancy brain kicks in. Ha ha. My real desire is to check out completely, but that wouldn’t be very professional of me, I know. My last day at work is at the end of January, about 2 weeks before my due date. Yay! I’m excited to have some personal time for nesting and relaxation.

In my second trimester I wanted to eat all the time. Baby K still liked beef and milk and developed a strong love of chocolate chip cookies. Now, in my third trimester, I don’t feel like eating and nothing sounds good, but don’t worry, I am indeed eating. My biggest craving these days, if I have one, is for fresh greens.

My favorite thing is still to feel my sweet baby-boy moving all the time. I love him more than words can say and I can’t wait for him to be in my arms. I spend time daydreaming about what and who he will look like and talk to him about everything. I think he likes it when I rub my belly briskly in a circle or gently pat him through the womb. He already brings me joy and fills me with love; I can’t imagine what it will feel like when he arrives in the flesh.

Finally, I leave you with my favorite image – I wish I had it on a maternity t-shirt…


🙂

60 days to go!
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To be, or not to be a Mother-hood Group.

internal monologue, journal

Last month I joined a women’s group designed to help women explore their relationship to Motherhood. Each of my fellow group-mates had unique intentions upon joining the group and it was so healing and freeing and eye-opening to share in this exploration of motherhood with a small group of like-minded women!

While it might not make complete sense without having been there with me, I’ve decided to share what I wrote at our final session last night because I feel that it reflects my experience exactly…

Five weeks ago the intention was to feel out whether I had the desire to be a Mom right now — to discern between desire and fear, choice and pressure.

The beautiful discovery was of my wings — the wise winged knowledge that feels so real and tangible ever since the meditation of and about the all knowing self.

As the weeks went by, the wings got stronger and stronger, opening up self-trust, joyful self time and the clarity to feel the honest desire to mother a baby.

I’ve found confidence and comfort in knowing that my exquisite wings are firmly planted and have my back…

Thank you, Cecily and the wonderful women of Monday nights!
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i don’t teach pole dancing…

journal, the "S"

When people ask me what I do there is no simple answer. I can’t simply say…”I’m an accountant” or “I’m a flight attendant”. No, I do something so…out there, so beautiful, so special and so unique that I usually cut myself off and answer the what-do-you-do question with, “Well, I teach dance” or “women’s fitness”. And if they really press me, I’ll say “I teach pole dancing”. That answer either freaks people out (like, they want to pray for me), they think it’s super cool (kind-of. but-please-don’t-make-me-try-it) or they’ve heard of it (on the shows of Oprah, Martha Stewart, or Ellen) and want to try it, but (insert reason why they can’t here).

But I’ve been lying. I don’t teach pole dancing.

Sure, I do teach a class in which there are vertical ballet barres around which we fly and up which we climb. I admit, there are poles involved and they are fun, but please…don’t put what I do in a box and call it pole dancing. That makes me sound like maybe I strip for a living, or I teach women to “act sexy”, or to shake their behinds for the pleasure of a male. But that’s not what I do. Oh no. And while not that many people who haven’t already tried one of my classes will sit still and really listen and learn about what I do, the time has come for me to write about it here, where, maybe, somebody will be interested to read and learn.

This past weekend we had our first ever S Factor retreat in San Diego. And boy was it amazing. Like, can’t-put-it-into-words amazing. And beautiful. Yes, so beautiful it hurt a little bit. Like a famous painting you witness in the museum in all it’s beautiful grandness. And one of our retreat attendees wrote about it on her blog. Dr. Lissa Rankin, practicing gynecologist and author of the book What’s Up Down There? Questions You’d Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Were Your Best Friend, wrote about it perfectly.

So if you really want to begin understanding what I do, click right here to read about it.

No, I don’t teach pole dancing. I teach S Factor.
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inspiration for a thursday

journal

I just came accross this verse that touched me deeply. I share it here because it speaks volumes to what’s going on in my world. Since I have no fun photos or stories at the moment, this serves as my blog update…*smile*

“Hold on to what is good,
even if it is a handful of earth.
And hold on to what you believe,
even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do,
even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life,
even when it is easier to let go.
Hold on to my hand,
even when I have gone away from you.”

~Pueblo Verse

I’ll pick up my camera again soon.
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