It can come from anywhere ~ I simply have to keep my eyes open and my ears listening! I love being inspired by people I know (which happens often, because I know some pretty amazing people) and I love it when I can be inspired by random things…such as a song, or a fashion accessory, or someone’s expression.

There is inspiration everywhere, it’s finding a way to use it creatively that takes some work. I’m working on it right now.

And when I find a way to use it, I’ll invite you to come watch!

Tonight I had a very interesting conversation with a friend of mine…a guy I don’t know that well, but has turned out be a pretty good friend. He’s not much into small talk (kind of like my brother) and insists that I tell him what’s what. We haven’t spoken for quite awhile because, as I told him, I always felt like he was analyzing me, but what I’ve come to realize is that he forces me to look at myself and my patterns of behavior and admit the truth.

Yes, I have a pattern. It’s a pattern that has begun later in my life. I have not always been this way. Untrusting, detached and all around fearful. With men. There. I said it. I used to give and receive love like it was going out of style. I could flirt and be playful and could choose the perfect moment to flash my ‘come hither’ eyes. I wasn’t afraid of men, of commitment, of intimacy, of romance, of love.

Now there is something that is holding me back and whether or not it is warranted (not, from what I can tell), I can’t seem to just get over it and move on. So instead I’ve built a wall. A very thick, sturdy, brick, ain’t no wolf gonna blow it down, kind of wall.

But, you know?, I think my heart to heart with my friend just took the first brick down off that wall and lay it aside.

It’s funny. I’ve always been a crier. Tears ran from my eyes in bucketfuls, but I’ve cried about 5 times in the last two and half years. Me, a person who sometimes cried 5 times a month. And you know what? I think I was happier when I could cry. I was able to let out the hurt, or fear, or pain, or disappointment. But now, I’m all dried up and I don’t want to be the kind of person who can’t express what she feels openly and honestly. For some reason I see this wall I’ve built and my inability to shed a tear as related somehow.

And just so you know, I was really afraid to start writing about this.

There is something to be said for pushing forward. For persevering. For remaining diligent and dedicated. But isn’t there also something to be said for moving on and humbly letting go?

But then, how do you know that you’re simply letting go and not simply giving up?

I find that I have a really hard time telling the truth. This is not to say that I am a liar. Because I’m not. In fact, I’m a pretty crappy liar–you can see it in my eyes and I may even cry–but I have the most awful time speaking the truth.

Here’s an example. Twice over the past week I’ve been offered a promotion at work. Yahoo! You might think. But for some reason, each time I would hear myself accept the job I would feel a well of emotion rise into my chest. At first I thought it was because I was afraid of the commitment to a “title”, or the fear of the unknown responsibility, or the knowledge that I would be thrown into chaos, but when I examined it further, it turns out that I simply don’t want the job. I don’t work at my job because I want to organize an unorganized office. I work at my job because I believe in what we offer; what we teach. But it was the hardest damn thing for me to tell myself that I didn’t want the promotion. I couldn’t simply state the truth as I know it to be. “My heart is in teaching and not administration, but thank you for the offer and I appreciate your confidence in me.” It would have been that simple..because that is the truth.

I’m like a jungle cat. You can put me in a zoo (or in my case, an office) and I may seem to be tame (an office junkie), but the truth is, I’m wild and I have to follow my heart.

I remember someone telling me sometime that we keep having to learn the same lesson over and over until we finally, actually learn the lesson.

This week I had to learn my recurring lesson twice!

I worked myself up unneccessarily over work early in the week when I had to tell them I couldn’t come in for my shifts at all. I fretted and sweated over what to say and how to say it. Finally I simply stated I couldn’t come in and the response was as simple as, “Ok, we’ll look at the schedule and work it out.” When I hung up the phone I laughed at myself out loud.

Then yesterday and today I got worked up unneccessarily again when I was preparing to really, truly, give my two weeks notice once and for all. No kidding. And at the end of my shift today I simply placed the letter in my boss’s office and drove home. I kept expecting to get a frantic phone call, but no such phone call ever came. Again, I am laughing.

Am I so egotistical as to think that a business can’t go on without me? Sure, I’m valued, but the Spa will certainly keep running long after I am gone. Some people don’t even give 2 weeks, but I had to give it twice! Haha–now that’s just comedy.

My brother asked me tonight if I got that part I spoke about in my last post. Well, no. But what I took away from that audition was just as valuable. I learned that I simply need to go to my auditions and have fun. He said, “Stop trying to be a serious actress and just go in there and be as fucking funny as you are!”

!!!

PS: The Alaskan cruise was fun…