For the past week I’ve been eating the worst food ever! I decided for a couple of days it was ok because of my birthday. But my birthday is now 5 days in the past and I’m still eating pure junk, fat, artery clogging, cellulite causing, acne inducing crap. (though tasty)

I sat in front of my tv, for the first night in a very long while, stuffing my mouth with triscuts and salami. Ew! And I was so wrapped up in the re-run of ‘Will & Grace’ that I can’t tell you how many of those little snacks I ate. It was certainly enough to fill me up and spoil any ideas I had about dinner…and earlier I had Jack In The Box for lunch, and I’m drinking straight from the 2 liter sprite bottle. Bad girl.

So why this somewhat sudden need for junk and never-ending eating and craving for french fries, sour candy and chocolate chip cookies?

I finally flipped off the tv, deciding after 2 hours that it was boring and stared at the wall. “It’s still before 10pm, I could drive to the store and buy some cookie dough to bake cookies with.” That was my first thought. “Or instead of having to wait for them to bake I could just buy some candy.” That was the second thought. “No. What’s this insatiable hunger really about?” That was my last thought.

I haven’t had an audition since March 5th. I haven’t acted since January 10th, 2004. I graduated with a Masters in Acting over 2 years ago.

I think I found what’s making me so hungry.

But I don’t want to call my agents. I don’t want to send out my headshot to casting directors. I don’t want to get all dressed up and hope against hope that I can “win over” a casting director. I don’t want to drive to an audition only to have people inquire about it for the next 3 weeks, asking “Oh, how’d that audition go? Did you get it?” NO, I did not get it and NO I’m not going to be the new love interest on ‘The OC’ and NO, I won’t forget you when I’m famous.

Hollywood glamour. Right. That’s it. Sitting in traffic on the freeway for an hour in what should be and is an 18 minute drive. Working two $10/hour jobs so that I can pay my bills, almost. Feeling sucked dry of my creativity. Slowly becoming a Los Angeles flake. Constantly making plans to move somewhere else, but too afraid to go. Becoming cynical. This is not me. And it isn’t glamorous.

I love acting. I love the movies. I love 2 tv shows. And I love the theatre. But I do not like the industry. I do not like Los Angeles. And I do not like hearing myself say “I hate my life” once a week.

I turned 28 last thursday. It’s time to grow up and figure out what it is I want to do.

Is it too late to be a rockstar?? (haha, see? I’m still smiling…)