Category Archives: internal monologue

spit it out

internal monologue

spit I am finding it hard to say what I feel. It’s right there, just below my vocal chords. I feel what I want to say but when I go to speak no actual words come out.

It just gets stuck, dammit!

I am not good at arguing and I am a terrible debater! It’s not that I don’t have opinions or a point of view, but I process information in a different way. Perhaps a slower way. I am lucky to be skilled at taking in and processing other people’s points of view, but it is often at my own point of view’s expense.

Grrrrraaaaawwwwwwhhhhhh!

back to mine

acting, internal monologue

backI’ve gotten away from myself over the last year and I’ve decided that this new year will be about reconnecting to things I feel I’ve lost.

To start, I’ve resolved to get dressed in the morning. Ok, so what I really mean is that I am no longer going to work wearing my sweats. (See I have that luxury working in fitness). No, now I am getting up a little earlier and trying to remind myself that putting an outfit together can be a form of self expression. So, in short, I am trying to get my style back. I may even try to do my hair from time to time.

I used to take a yoga class from time to time and so I went to one of those last week and my shoulder muscles were uber-sore afterward. But I loved the quiet of the room only interrupted by a soothing male voice offering thoughtful ideas ad helpful adjustments. And the mixed-gender practice was a welcome change from my women-only movement sanctuary. I will be going back this Saturday. I think of it as cross-training. And I am seriously considering pursuing yoga certification later this year.

Another thing that I have gotten away from is acting. Acting was such a big part of me and I am thankful to have stepped away from it for a couple of years because I feel that I am now ready to embrace it again as something I want to do instead of something I must do.

So, in keeping with my 2007 resolutions (ah well), I stepped foot into an acting class last night. It only took me a year. And I was ready. I sat in a room of stranger actors for 3.5 hours and I was happy to be there watching the actor process and feeling my love of acting begin to resurface after a long hibernation.

It’s amazing how easy it is to get away from oneself. And how difficult it is to get back to oneself. I find I am questioning everything at the moment. I actually feel relatively present and awake, but what this means is that I am feeling much more of the pain and frustration of my current existence. And how fabulous!

I do not want to be numb. I want to feel everything fully and with vigor. I do not want to get stuck. I want to explore life and constantly be learning and challenged by new things. I do not want to get lost in routine and stress. I want to find me again.

So my theme for 2008 is: Back To Mine

*yes, please.

internal monologue

Take in the whole picture…I would be so happy to have the total package here.

massage

The tropical place, the hot stones, the massage and the tan. I don’t necessarily need the flower in my hair, but why not?

And I’d like to add a fruity cocktail into my right hand, with a colorful straw for sipping! Mmmm.

and darkness falls

internal monologue

darkness

It’s that time. When an early curtain of darkness draws closed over the bright colors of daylight. It’s cold.

A constant shiver undulates throughout my body and I can’t get warm. Anxiety is ripe. It brings my eyes to spots and causes me to sweat.

I am hungry and then not hungry, but desperate to eat.

The cat’s purr is soft and soothing, his loyalty and understanding unwavering.

Nothing is right. Nothing feels the same. I am not who I was and I don’t know who I’ll be afterward.

All around I can feel something is not right in the universe. Everywhere it’s the same. I see it in you, I see it in her and in her also. What is happening this November? Why did they all go crazy…

my heart is crying on the inside tonight

internal monologue

tearsI understand now how parents feel when their children move out of the house. The empty nest.

My students are like my children. I nurture them, watch them grow, watch them come into themselves, gain confidence and autonomy. It’s such a beautiful journey to watch and I cherish it like I know I will cherish my own children’s life journeys, should I choose to have any.

One of my classes has been with me for way over a year. They’re a tight group; bonded and strong. Talented and full of spirit. Today I found out that 3 of them have decided to move into another class. Luckily, they all wrote me nice letters and explained their decision, thanked me for inspiring them, nurturing them and supporting them. I graciously wrote back and told them that a “new voice” is never a bad thing and while I will miss their presence terribly, I support their need for change.

But I’m so sad! It feels kind of ridiculous, actually, to feel so emotional about it, but I do.I was so surprised to hear they were moving on and while I tried to pretend that it didn’t hurt my feelings and that my ego wasn’t a little bruised, it does and it is. Letting go is never easy.